Wednesday, August 27, 2008

the moment before you can never not know

I have always tried to mark the moment before.

In my mind I picture it as a snapshot. I see it through a window frame - a frozen moment where whatever is about to come next does not exist.

Having a baby, getting married, seeing a new country - once you experience it you know all about it - how it looks, feels, tastes, sounds, smells. You will carry that knowledge with you the rest of your life. In the moments just before there is this place that is the last time, the last place, you will not know.

That's me and Jeremy before. Before we knew Hayden, before we knew about the struggles that come with marriage, before we owned a house, when we could fit everything we collectively owned into his 1981 Toyota Corolla.

These are the last days I will ever wake up, breath, eat, sleep, think without knowing what my daughter looks like. How she breathes when she sleeps, her delights and her pains, her smell.

So many people have said to me: "are you so excited?" "can you just not wait?" the same questions I would be asking, but the answer is not what they are expecting. I am excited but I can wait a few more days. I am trying to create that picture in my head. The one before Zeni. Not because I don't want her to be a part of my life, or because I want her to be a part of me and my family, but because this is the last moment before I will never not know.

3 comments:

jen said...

i do the same thing. i have a certain photo that reminds me of the "just before we knew of you" moments before each of my girls. not the excited...we are expecting you moment...but the "i had no idea you were with me" moments.
enjoy these last before-moments.

The Roberts Family said...

Hi there! I think I have pics of your little girl from our trip to Ethiopia. Was she in Gladney care end of April/beginning of May? You can email me. So excited she'll soon be in your arms! ~Shelly robertsfamily@mlgc.com

Anna said...

Is that a pit bull? We have a pit bull too! We love, love , love her! Your daughter is beautiful.
For breastfeeding there is an adoptive breastfeeding group on yahoo you should join. Start domperidone and you will get much more milk! I was going to breastfeed, was all ready, but now Im not...my son came home at ten months and just seems so grown up, I dont know....