Thursday, March 20, 2008

What the hell are we doing!?

It has been quite a week. Went to the doctor who thought my "pelvis felt asymetrical, could be a cist, probably nothing, let's just get a scan". Knew is was probably nothing, couldn't help but think about my mom who around my age went to the doctor, who felt something wierd, and ended up with an emergency hystirectimy the next day. What if I want to have more biological kids!?
Scan was normal.
That night I went to a screening of "The Business of Being Born", a documentry made by Rikki Lake (yes, the really annoying talk show host). She had her first child via c-section and felt dissapointed in her birth experience, so set out to 1. Make a documentry arguing in favor of demidicalizing birth in most cases and 2. Have a home birth. She did both, the film was slanted but good, and made me realize how much I want to give birth to a child, not have it pulled out of an incison in my abdomen while by small intestine waits to be reinstated and I stare at a blue cloth.
Couple those two things with these nagging doubts that I've been feeling lately - wht are we adopting again? Are we just going to have a miserable and screwed up kid? And the biggie, what if it is a huge mistake and I don['t love the adopted child as much as I love Hayden?
Came home, told Jeremy we should call off the adoption and get pregnant. Turns out he has been having a lot of the same concerns. We talked and it felt really, really good to say everything that has been on my mind.

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