Thursday, October 7, 2010

Failure, Revisited

I was thinking about my fear of failing and realized that my post about getting in shape was a big fat copp-out.

The way I set it up if I succeed, lose weight, get in shape, then I win because I did what I set out to do. If I fail, don't finish or follow through or go right back to my slovenly ways once the program is over, I also succeed at failing in "pu
blic". Win-win. Nice, eh?

Week 3 of the 12 week program is upon me and I'm feeling good. I think I have actually gained weight, although both Jeremy and the woman teaching the class assure me that is because I am drinking more water and building muscle and I am henceforth forbidden to weigh myself until the 6 week mark. Getting up at 5am is getting easier, the workouts, while still totally kicking my ass, are at least doable for me now, and keeping a food journal that I actually tell the truth in is super helpful - let's face it, it's embarrassing to write that you ate 2 huge bowls of ice cream after dinner.

By far my biggest issue remains the consumption of way too many calories, not because I am hungry but because I am (choose an adjective) bored, sad, happy, excited, tired, awake - you get the idea. The work outs are good in part because I know that if I ran stairs for 30 minutes this morning it is only going to take one heaping bowl of spaghetti with cheese to negate all that work. It is working to a point, but I still have a totally fucked up emotionally laden relationship with food and that, if anything, is
where I will fail. If I cannot change that relationship, or even discern why it exists and where it comes from, I think I will not be able to reach my goals. Gulp.

And now, because I always enjoy blog posts with pictures more, some snaps:

Jeremy and I, pregnant with Hayden, at a lake in Arizona with our then babies (since birth of child 1 the smaller dog has been given away and the larger is relegated to one room of the house and yelled at a lot.
Parenting fail.)

Jeremy and I at the hospital when I went into labor - I love this picture of us. We look so young and hopeful and have no idea that
we are not going to sleep for the next 6 months.

And last, our family, 2 years to the day after we net Zeni. Happy, goofy, full of love.


Karen said...

You are so honest. Good for you. I can't wait to see you. Don't worry too much. It will happen.

dearheart said...

Congrats on three weeks of hard work! Controlling calorie consumption is always the biggest barrier for me too. One measly bag of Mint Milanos and *poof* a day (or two) of exercise is out the window.

I too love the naive hospital shot. At least you were well traveled. (:

MommyOver40 said...

No matter what you eat or excercise are beautiful.

I hear you about the calories. I can't stop eating after the boys go to bed, and chocolate is IT. If I could just conquer that, I'd be fine. Except then I want salty fatty foods. And then a combination of both. Ugh.

Wonderful job on exercising and getting up before the children. That is so hard. You are doing a great job. Keep it up sistah. As little John says, "Peace out, Miss Heeleese". (: