I was thinking about my fear of failing and realized that my post about getting in shape was a big fat copp-out.
The way I set it up if I succeed, lose weight, get in shape, then I win because I did what I set out to do. If I fail, don't finish or follow through or go right back to my slovenly ways once the program is over, I also succeed at failing in "pu
blic". Win-win. Nice, eh?
Week 3 of the 12 week program is upon me and I'm feeling good. I think I have actually gained weight, although both Jeremy and the woman teaching the class assure me that is because I am drinking more water and building muscle and I am henceforth forbidden to weigh myself until the 6 week mark. Getting up at 5am is getting easier, the workouts, while still totally kicking my ass, are at least doable for me now, and keeping a food journal that I actually tell the truth in is super helpful - let's face it, it's embarrassing to write that you ate 2 huge bowls of ice cream after dinner.
By far my biggest issue remains the consumption of way too many calories, not because I am hungry but because I am (choose an adjective) bored, sad, happy, excited, tired, awake - you get the idea. The work outs are good in part because I know that if I ran stairs for 30 minutes this morning it is only going to take one heaping bowl of spaghetti with cheese to negate all that work. It is working to a point, but I still have a totally fucked up emotionally laden relationship with food and that, if anything, is
where I will fail. If I cannot change that relationship, or even discern why it exists and where it comes from, I think I will not be able to reach my goals. Gulp.
And now, because I always enjoy blog posts with pictures more, some snaps:
Jeremy and I, pregnant with Hayden, at a lake in Arizona with our then babies (since birth of child 1 the smaller dog has been given away and the larger is relegated to one room of the house and yelled at a lot.
Jeremy and I at the hospital when I went into labor - I love this picture of us. We look so young and hopeful and have no idea that
we are not going to sleep for the next 6 months.
And last, our family, 2 years to the day after we net Zeni. Happy, goofy, full of love.