Thursday, July 31, 2008


I have been crying a lot over the past three days. Good crying. I've done the whole "I am seriously depressed and un-medicated and can't walk the 4 blocks from my house to office without breaking down in tears". This is different.

It started Tuesday. I left Hayden with the sitter and headed out to have some time to myself. As if the free time wasn't enough to bring tears to my eyes, my shuffle-set ipod decided to play "A Woman's Work", by Kate Bush. You know, the one from that movie where Kevin Bacon knocks someone up... right, this one .
Crying. I am crying - vision blurry, unable to navigate ginormous minivan crying. I have no idea why. I spend the next half hour in a parking lot crying. I then use the rest of my precious free time to sit in a dark theater and watch StepBrothers. (Which was, by the way, supremely what I needed in all its third grade humour glory).

The next day a good friend calls to tell me I've hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to - this is one of my closest friends and I would never purposefully hurt her. It was a misunderstanding. We talk, everything is fine. I hang up and again, bawling.

Finally this morning my mom calls to make sure I know that if anything ever happened to Jeremy and I she and my dad would happily take the kids. I did know that but hearing it from her meant a lot and, surprise, made me cry.

Anything that scratches the surface and causes me to feel emotion has been making me cry and, now that I am medicated, I am not by nature (or by pharmaceuticals at least) a crier.

It's the damn baby! I know most of you probably knew that from the start but I am queen of the delayed reaction. I've been mugged, attacked by Maoist rebels, and hurt in the ways we all get hurt in our lives and it never fails - I'm all grins and "It's fine" "no big deal" and then somewhere between and week and a month later I find myself terribly upset over not being able to find an earring and realize I am just processing what happened way back when. (For further examples see previous posts where I realize as I am about to buy a house in North Carolina that perhaps I don't actually want to move.)

I am so glad I am having these feelings. Since we got the referral for Zeni I have felt detached from it. I've wanted to be excited and teary but it just wasn't happening - something to do with the first referral I'm sure - I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to feel anything and was really scared about the idea of getting on a flight to go get her still not feeling anything.

But here it is - the tears and excitement that you can't fake - the kind that makes your stomach do those jumps. We got an update on her from Gladney today - they report that she is quiet and sweet and happy to eat her fingers. She's gained some weight and is now at a whopping 11 pounds (which surpasses Hayden's birth weight) and is holding her head up when on her belly and turning towards voices and smiling a lot they said she even smiles in her sleep. Although I am still petrified about the whole two kid thing that is now mitigated by true excitement - I'm not sure if it is love yet but it is definetly a feeling of being protective and caring and wanting to have here HERE, NOW. I wish I could post pictures of her!

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