Sunday, June 1, 2008

Do Over!

Right. Since last post: decided not to move to NC, stopped process of buying and selling house, got referral for beautiful baby, found out about unexpected circumstances around baby's health, emotional anguish and multiple conversations with physicians, adoption agency, and friends, turned down referral and are back to waiting, but with a heavier heart this time.


Moving on - My son is in love with his father and things I suck. At first it was just a preference - "Hayden, do you want mama or papa to put you to bed?" "Papa". Sweet. It was a good deal for me and Jeremy enjoyed being the preferred parent for more or less the first time since Hayden was born. Now I am starting to feel like H actually dislikes me - I get all the whining, the hitting, the bossing, and Jeremy gets hugs and giggles.

This morning when J was at work and H was being really, really annoying I made him a tent (ie, sheet over dining room table) and suggested that if he didn't want to be around me he go play in his tent. He did - for almost an hour. This should have been a blissful break but instead I felt guilty and sad and mean all at the same time. Bummer. I remember when I was little and my parents would fight I would always take my moms side. I usually had no idea what they were fighting about or who was right or wrong, but I perceived my father as a bully and my mother as the victim who needed my protection. Is Hayden going to see me that way?? Am I going to be the "bully" and J the one who can do no wrong, even when he does? What does this mean for adolescence? For when the baby comes home? Do I suck? As bad as the SATC movie?
I miss the days when I could do no wrong, when Hayden believed I could fix whatever problems he had, from an owie to a broken toy to a dead squirrel. The worst part is that instead of enjoying this "respite" from always having to be the primary caretaker I am wasting my time, ALONE, on a Sunday afternoon blogging about it. Re donkerous. Really.

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