It's been awhile, I know. I have been here, in Spokane. I used to be able to write things like "sorry I've been out of touch, the sat. phone in Rwanda was down". Now, not so much. Honestly, I just haven't felt motivated to write anything. I'm sure my one reader will understand.
I finished my book club book. It starts out slow but is fantastic, and fantastically depressing. A woman, growing old, realizing she has no real relationships with anyone, including her son who, as she looks at the man he has become, sees only the baby, the toddler, with an open face full of love. Only now he doesn't love her, doesn't know her, doesn't want to know her.
My babies won't always be babies. In fact, one of them already isn't. This life of mine, as a mom of two young children, is fleeting. As I sit at the coffee shop and shut my book, it feels like it is slipping through my fingers. Kids grow up, they become too cool for you, they push you away so that thy can find their own meanings and languages and relationships, and that is as it should be.
And what about me?
What do I look like when I am no longer a mom of young kids? Do I look like the humanitarian worker I once was, passport full, sarcastic comments on the tip of my tongue, doing "important" work in "far away" places?
Do I look like the wife of a doctor, who volunteers with the Red Cross and drives her kids to after school activities in he minivan?
Honestly, even if that would make me happy I don't know that I could justify it.
The truth is, I am happy now. More than happy, I am content - something I have never been before. I don't want to be anything except for what I am right now. Which is great - except that right now will not aways be the way it is, well, right now. I know that I have two choices - either to git while the gittin's good, and worry about the rest later, or miss out on right now because I'm worrying about tomorrow. The choice is clear, and clearly easier said than done.
So at least for now, at this moment, I know who I am. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am a person more defined by relationships than by professional titles or higher degrees.
So I sigh, take a deep breath, turn off the computer. Open the door. Pay the babysitter. Make dinner. Baths. Put kids to bed. Kiss husband. Have a drink with friends. Do it all again.....