Wednesday, November 12, 2008

blah!

No energy.

No energy to blog, no energy to talk to my husband, to see friends, no energy to do anything except get through the day trying not to let my fatigue make me one of those moms who is screaming at her poor kids in the parking lot. (Failing on that front, by the way)..

I took antibiotics this weekend after a week of no energy, fever, feeling like my throat was on fire. In theory this is a perk to having a doctor for a husband, that he can get meds without having to schlep to the doctor's office. In reality, when your dear spouse guesses wrong about what is ailing you and suggests you take the leftover antibiotics from your trip to Ethiopia, it just prolongs the whole damn thing. Jeremy's antibiotics didn't work so finally I dragged my sorry ass to the doctor yesterday and I have strep throat. I don't think I've ever had it before and will no longer make fun of people who are all whiny about their sore throats. It was horrible! So new antibiotics (gotta love penicillin) and I actually folded the 2 weeks of laundry that was lying in an increasingly crumpled pile on the couch - this is a good sign.

I used to have a job with sick days. There were other perks, too. A lot of international organizations make you go on vacation every 3 months so you don't burn out. Oh woe is me - I must go to Ghana on an all expenses paid week off.... PERK! Tons of frequent flier miles, getting to feel like a bad ass driving a pick up truck around a foreign country - oh, and I got PAID. In money, not love, thank you very much. Perk.

I want to want that life back. I want to want to be jet setting, earning money, writing reports, talking about how stressed out I am about whatever project is currently on my desk. The truth is, I don't want it. I want what I have which is great right now but I just can't turn off the part of my brain that is constantly looking ahead.

Kids will be in school before I know it and then I really can't justify staying home all day(although I would still like to be able to be home when they get home). We live in Spokane. International health opportunities are not abounding. (Did I just verb? Is that ok?). Do I find a new line of work? How do I tell my kids I essentially gave up an amazing career to move where my husband was and raise my kids and then didn't go back for it, but that they should never settle and always go for whatever their dreams are? The thing is, I don't feel like I settled. I feel like I am settled and it feels good.

What? I'm babbling in my nyquil-induced hyper-before-the-passing-out phase? I've gone from being sick to resume gaps? Right. I hear you. Walking away.....

Oh, wait, updates:

1. Zeni is getting a helmet. I hate to say it, but the decising factor was that our insurance approved it. Now we can get it, use it, and if she hates it (or we hate it) we're not out $1500. Appointment Monday. Pictures to follow. She's my daughter, I'm allowed to make fun of her.

2. Zeni is growing on me like kudzu in the South. I went all sleep nazi on her ass and forced her into a schedule (during the day, at least), which seems to have settled both of us down. Now I look forward to hearing her voice as she is waking up. Score.

4 comments:

msl said...

Sorry to hear about the throat!. Ouch!
But it's great to hear Zeni is doing so well!
You're not alone - I often wonder what the hell I'm going to do once the kids are in school full time. There's no going back to the field I used to be in so I haven't got a clue what I'll be doing or even what I want to do. Ugh.

heytheredearheart said...

Oh...precious sleep. So happy that it's within your grasp and you get the added bonus of liking your kid again! As for full time momming, I share your anxieties about the road ahead. You could always become the uber-PTA mom when the kids are in school, have eight more kids to drag out the years, or convince J to move somewhere fancy, like the Tri-Cities.

Amalia said...

E....Just wanted to add, that even though we only see each other in passing these days as we drop off our boys...(or if they are lucky, pick them up), the small moments I get to "see" you is through your writing...it's witty, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry...it makes me truly appreciate you as you expose yourself so truthfully. You are a beautiful human being.

Hope the sore throat clears up soon and the Nyquil kicks in for a restful night! Blah, blah.
xoxoxox.

anymommy said...

They'll know who you are, you'll find a way, it's just who you are.

Hurray for sleep, hurray for the end of strep, hurray for blog posts. Three more words:

International book tour.