Sunday, August 17, 2008

one sweet child

Dear Hayden,

These are our last days together: you, me and papa, as a 3-person family. I want to shut my eyes and clench my hands and will time to stop; force these perfect days to go slowly. Allow your laughter and your happiness to be never ending and for you to always know what it feels like to be so entirely loved by your parents.

I am scared of bringing a new child into our house. I am scared about what you will think. Will you know that we still love you? Will you know that you are always my baby? That you are my sweet little boy who taught me how to be content, how to find the joy in things I had previously not giving a second thought to?

This afternoon you and I sat by the lake and threw stones into the water. You were so happy. Your entire body was happy. You jumped around, bounded in and out of the water, directed throwing competitions and threw your muddy pebble covered hands around my neck. You nestled in close. You have no boundaries around yourself- you are a part of the world and you leap into it entirely, sure that we will keep you safe. You seem to think of me as an extension of you and trust me as you trust yourself. It is an honor to be your mother.

Am I about to let you down and give all of that up? Is this the last time I will be able to give you all of my love and attention? When the new baby arrives will I see chinks begin to form in your innocence and trust? People tell me when the second baby arrives I will be amazed at how much I love her – that I have enough love for both of you. It’s not that I think they are wrong, its that I cant believe that could possibly be true.

Note to my dear reader – as I post this we have been home from vacation in Glacier National Park for 2 days. Hayden is being a terror. Really, really difficult – throwing and kicking and crumpling into a ball on the floor when I say “no” – my fears are shifting from feeling what I wrote a few days ago, worlds away from cell phones and “real life”, to how the HELL am I going to do this when there is another person who also needs attention!!?? I know lots of people do it, I was just visiting my BFF in Chicago who makes 2 kids look like a cake walk. Nonetheless, melancholy has shifted towards sheer terror…


Amalia said...

E - I found your post really I felt your struggle in the words you wrote...I imagine that you and Jeremy and Hayden and Zeni will find in the end a balance...some days will be crunchier than others...and other days will be so full of bliss and LOVE that you'll hardly stand it...(I wish for you an abundance of the latter...).
xoxoxo Me.

anymommy said...

And you'll have days when everyone's screaming and you barely make it through.

And you'll have days when your heart breaks and your mommy guilt is turned up to high because you can't give either of them the attention you want to give them (let alone yourself!).

But, mostly, you'll have days where you look at your perfect, unbelievable family of four and wonder how you ever existed, what you did before you were all there together, because it's so right.

Hayden will struggle a little. He'll have to adjust. But, one day, a year from now, you'll be sitting back watching him show Zeni how to throw muddy pebbles into a lake. They'll be laughing. They'll be wholy immersed in each other and the world, safe in secure in the fact that you're in the background to catch them, and they'll throw their muddy arms around each other. You won't be able to breathe for the love.

You are enough. I promise.

Kristen said...

you will have moments that are calm and sweet and content. and you will have moments that are chaotic and frustrating and exhausting... you know that kind of exhausting that only comes from children -- the, your-eyes-feel-like-there's-sand-in-them-tired. but soon, life will again feel that it is how it should be. and i love the above comment about hayden and zeni throwing rocks together -- oh! so lovely.

and fyi, lily is obsessed with you and was completely on her best behavior for you. i think the jewelry making kit got you two off on the right foot! should i be concerned that my child is so easily won over by the gift of jewels?? lylas!

Tanya Williams said...

this is the first time i have read your blog...i came to it from your post on the tricities adoption group. i am so amazed at your ability to put your thoughts down...these are all the thoughts that i am feeling about my bio son and our upcoming adoption from africa. thank you for sharing your feelings so truly...every one of these thoughts go through my head more often than i would like them to...almost to the point that we almost backed out. thanks for letting me know that i am not alone.